Thinking Skills for Parents-Reflective Functioning

“Don’t just do something. Stand there and listen.”

~Jeree Paul

“Reflective functioning” is a skill that everyone needs for lifelong learning, health and development.

It is especially necessary for parenting and school readiness. Do not get hung up on the term, which

comes from British psychology. Just think a moment about the words. To reflect is to think – especially

to think carefully and quietly. To function is to act. So reflective functioning refers to acting

thoughtfully – thinking about a person’s behavior and formulating an appropriate response, instead of

just reacting.

For example, when a parent with “good reflective functioning” hears Baby cry, s/he instinctively stops

and thinks: What is Baby telling me? Is he bored or over stimulated? How long since he ate? Is he wet,

hot, cold? Is he afraid? In pain? Is this his usual fussy time or is this out of the ordinary for him? How

do I want to respond?

Through this review of possibilities, a reflective parent thinks about the

event, in this example, Baby crying. She links to her own experience,

knowledge & feelings, and to Baby’s experience, knowledge and feelings

for possible explanations & solutions. Then she responds. That’s the 3-step

process for reflective functioning: Think, Link & Respond

Reflective functioning is a set of thinking skills at the core of

parenting and effective living. The skill set includes the ability to:

• Observe my own behavior and feelings

• See my role in a situation

• See that others’ behaviors may not be directed at me

• Recognize a need for information & obtain reliable information

• Weigh options & form opinions

• Make a plan and carry it out

We learn reflective functioning skills in toddlerhood by observing our parents. But if our parents and

caregivers are not reflective – if they are reactive – then we grow up reactive, too. If your clients did

not develop reflective functioning skills in childhood, you can give them another chance, starting in

pregnancy. During pregnancy a woman reflects on – thinks about – her own intense feelings: I cry one

minute & laugh the next. She links her feelings to her pregnancy: I know it’s because of the baby. She

links her feelings to what she knows and weighs options to feel better. I could smoke a cigarette. She

thinks of herself as this baby’s mother: I want my baby to be healthy. She links to information from

her home visitor: Smoking is not good for the baby or me. She reflects on other possibilities and

responds with an appropriate action. I’m not going to smoke now. I will call Mom. She is functioning

reflectively.